Feeling Power-less

patterns are difficult to break

patterns can be an like an addiction

put those two together and add some insecurity issues, abandonment and codependency and you’ve got the perfect recipe for disastrous regret. Luckily, I believe, there is a God.

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Longing at its finest

sitting on a bench watching lovers go by, parents with their children, remembering what I had and who i was.. Most importantly, trying to pinpoint who I am now. I’m not old but I’m not young, I’ve got miles of pain behind me and  tons of hurt on my shoulders. I try to compartmentalize my life, juggling family life and my personal relationship. It’s difficult to travel inbetween without both worlds colliding occasionally. That is when you’re nerves crash and the anxiety rocks your fake stability. It’s inevitable because fate has its own plan, you can try to navigate it but you’re not the real driver. We are not supposed to pretend we shouldn’t split our personality, but yet divorce, narcissistic abuse and love addiction forces us into this trap. It’s a cage be build that contains all  that scares us all that we run from that we don’t want to see.

 

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REGRET a short, short fictional story

It hurts too much. Still. Only the thought that he lives alone, brings me a sense of calm. I envision him walking through the beautiful forest, our forest, where he and I were supposed to grow old together. It was going to be our heaven, the Ocala National Forest. He’s wearing his bandana, long ponytail going all the way down his back. It’s completely gray now, his beard is white.  It’s a cool morning so he’s wearing his camo jacket. He had finally bought the piece of land a few years ago. That had been his dream for years; our dream at one point in time. I hope I had something to do with making it come true for him. My God I love this man. I love him still. I need to put him there, in the deep woods for my mind’s sanity. He lives alone, no companion. No woman because there could be no-one else; not after losing me. Right? After all I meant to him, no woman could replace me. Ever. Quite a few have tried, Im sure. But, I cannot allow myself to go there, I won’t. He only loves me as I only love him.

His days as Superintendent at the construction site are long over; his knees being the cause of that. And his life as a welder is done as well. Forced into early retirement, he went back to Ocala, took refuge in the woods where he grew up. The place where he was the happiest and where he wasn’t. He spends his days mostly as a camper. His skills are impeccable so living out there is not much of a challenge. He wakes up too early so I know he immediately goes out walking, finds wood to cut and collect, keeping busy so the morning will hurry on.  Later, he might adjust the solar panels so that they receive the maximum light, prepares his food for dinner and after his afternoon nap, fires up his red portable bbq. He and I always loved cooking on the tripod over a fire but the bbq is just more convenient these days.

After his supper, he sits outside the camper, near a beautiful fire he built and smokes a cigarette. He thinks about how much he has always loved it out there and thinks about his life in Ocala and the forest, then, thinks about me. He thinks about the camping trips we took together and feels gratification at how he introduced me to the camping world; taught me to love it. I do love it. The set up ,the smells, the dangerous dark woods. He’s pretty sure I take my children camping and most probably tell them it was he who taught me all I know. That thought, gives him, a sense of calm. He had been that man in my life, if none other. He had given me that.

The grin on his face grows as he thinks about our crazy adventures, how we were silly and laughed and got drunk; played Johnny Cash on the radio. I made him laugh alot. He thinks about that, about my jokes and the things I came up with. He thought I was adorable. He knew I loved him. He also knew we were on very short, borrowed time from day one. I could fly away and disappear at any moment. His ten years over me were against us. And that’s why he never gave me what I wanted, not completely. The price was too high, he wouldn’t survive, barely did. Therefore, he was grateful for his land, hidden far away from humanity. Although, I was in every corner, especially this night.  He could not escape no matter how deep into that forest he went. Our time together was the cause of that.

Long ago, he had realized, I was the great love of his life. I was the woman he loved the most. The other one he had secretly pinned for was nothing in comparison. You see, I loved him selflessly. I filled his empty heart and spirit. I made him happy. I made him feel worthy again. I was too good to be true. Broken people feel they don’t deserve good things, it’s just part of it. He sabotaged it every chance he got. I pulled and he pushed. But he was always there, watching, waiting listening in case I came calling. I am inside him forever just as he is with me every day of my life too.

The night is dark all around him now, the stars are sparkling all over the sky and the big round moon is casting her light down on him. He looks up at its fullness and smiles wide. I have a thing for full moons and its energy and other witchy stuff he doesn’t quite get. Its all funny to him. I could be a little girl at times; he likes that part of me. It’s innocent; sweet. I am also a wild one. Man, he wanted to pull his hair out sometimes. But, nevertheless, I was his girl. I was his baby carrot. “Baby carrot”, he says out loud.

He envisions my face smiling at him, it’s branded in his mind. My eyes are bright, they look at him with tenderness. He does a mental count; it’s been four, not four but five years since he has either spoken to me or seen me. He thinks of my little Antonia and how grown up she must be. What if? He wont think about that. She probably wont remember him, he’s sure of it and that makes him feel sad. He immediately says to himself, “better that way”. Staring into the fire, he wonders if I am with another man; his fingers tighten around the blue velvety blanket that lays on his lap.  It was a gift from me many years ago. “Your’e better off, you deserve to be happy.” He remembers his last words to me and fights back tears. They escape anyway and he wipes them away, angrily.

He is planning on going to bed any minute now. Enough with these thoughts. He then shuts his eyes tight and leans his head back. Trying to erase his thoughts, my voice is in his ear, “Dream with us tonight my love. Dream we our out on the boat, in the sun, somewhere, just you and me.” He hears me clearly. He wishes the voice was real. He wants to turn around and find me standing there. I want to be there too, I want to run to him and never be away from him again. I am safe when I am with him, he is my life. He suddenly feels a pain in his chest and his eyes well up again. He misses me bad. I am his heart. I am the woman he cant forget, cannot get over. I am the one. He assures himself  I am somewhere thinking of him as well. Feeling the loss; still.  I have never stopped loving him. He knows he will die missing me. Regret will be the cause of that.

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Fun Fact about Love Avoidants

As with this and any of my blogs, please share your thoughts.  Maybe it’s because I’m a woman, maybe it’s because I love to analyze human behavior but I noticed that whenever I ask my Love Avoidant boyfriend something like, “Oh God, I think he’s going to get killed soon,” or “Why is she going down that hallway?” I ask as I snuggly cuddle my POA while watching a movie that he chose. It’s usually a movie filled with action, little drama!!!His answer is almost always the same, “Honey I don’t know, lets just watch the movie.”  He says this in a very sweet tone so it’s not about how he says it.  It’s the fact that he doesn’t want to anticipate what will happen in the future in a movie, not only in real life with me, it seems.  “Phew…..” I find this both interesting and hilarious.  Test this out yourself on your Love Avoidant and let me know.

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LOVE ADDICT when you know, you know

My POA of choice doesn’t realize that I am too smart.  I don’t know how this is an advantage because as they say, “The truth hurts.”  When you know, you know and it kills.  Although he loves his space and after a year, he still pushes me softly away, he is very keen to dates and times.  Let me explain, rather than I be the one that has our dates and times together all mapped and planned, it’s him.  Of course, for his OWN reasons, I’m sure.  I may sound a bit sarcastic but it’s one of those days…… I apologize.  SO, it’s rare that he not know what the “plan” is for the following week.  What a memory on this guy!  He’s part elephant, I tell you.  If I’m a little bit late, he calls me on it. He doesn’t really like changes in the plans….Is he dying to see me?  Sometimes I think so but other times I think he’s planning something else.  Anyway, it’s bad enough when he pushes by blowing cool air in my face and withholds seductively.  It’s worse when he pretends to NOT know that our weekend together will not happen because I have another engagement.  He will text something like, “I miss you too honey.  We will be together this weekend, it’s our weekend.”  Mind you, we haven’t seen each other in a while due to his job, longer than usual and I’m already sensing a Continental Drift.  My answer is, “Yes it is honey.”  I really want to scream and say, “Really? How naïve do you think I am?”  But I don’t because what if?  What if he did suddenly forget?  Ah, that’s the mystery behind the Love Avoidant.  They confuse you from the beginning so you will remain that way until you die.  Just the same, it hurts me that he’s playing me like that.  Another thing, I have made an effort to stay away.  We had a bad one before this space (time without seeing each other/shift in his mood) and I just don’t want to go there again.  He’s tired of the emotional ups and downs and I’m tired of feeling rejected.  He says that he’s not capable of giving me all that I “need”, I told him it seems more like LACK of EFFORT; he agreed.  So, it was left at an unclear TAKE IT or LEAVE IT.  I don’t know how much longer this will last, I don’t know what will happen so I’m trying to gather strength and stay away until he rubber bands and then try to keep it that way.  It’s a game with them but I think it’s not so bad if you see that they really love you.  Actions speak louder than words. So he can be texting me love poems but if he doesn’t make an effort to see me, a real effort, not the “YAY, it’s our weekend” fake effort, then he is still pushing me away.  I will hang tough and stick with my plan to detox from this man.  Take a few steps back and refresh.  Please share anything that comes to mind or any advice.  Thank you.

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Sneaky Snakes Never Seize to Amaze

aMy ex-husband is a NARCISSIST.  After 15 years of marriage, after my rude awakening, after setting myself free is that I know him better than ever.  On the days he has the children, he usually drops them off at my house.  I am usually there to greet them, if not, the babysitter is.  The other day, I noticed how sometimes he comes into the house, (even inside my bedroom) which I don’t really care for, and sometimes he just lingers at the door saying his goodbyes. He enters because either the children want him to stay or they want to show him something that’s inside the house.  Luckily, I keep my personal things hidden. The children adore him, it’s a good thing, for now.  He shows preference to the youngest he did that with all of them. Naively, I used to joke and say, “That baby has it’s days numbered.”  Boy was I right.  Regardless, I don’t speak ill of him nor do I argue with him in their presence so I know that my “self-control” has contributed to their good relationship.  It is not difficult for me to be this way, my children’s mental health comes first.  He is un-savable and not my responsibility.

Now, back to the coming in vs staying at the door.  I am not too curious by nature but I have always said, “That which God wants me to see, he will slap me with it.”  I discovered that  on the days he doesn’t come inside, the woman he lives with, the woman he was having the affair with, comes with him to drop off the children.  He parks the car on the side of the house, away from the front door.  She cannot see me nor can I see the car.  He’s playing her like he did me, like he does everyone else that is in his life. He’s probably trying to show her his fake loyalty or how he supposedly keeps things formal.  BS, he has no boundaries for God’s sake, he kicked those out the door years ago!!!  Poor woman has no idea what a snake she has coiled around her neck.  He once told me, “My life has become a circus.”  Well I guess we all know who the ring leader is, don’t we?  I can’t wait to see what his next act will be. But, I’ll be ready when he tries to walk in my doorway.  No emotion.  No put downs.  I’m just going to put up an invisible mirror and let him see how ugly he looks.  “I’m sure your partner doesn’t know that you come in the house when she’s not with you.  I wonder what she would think?”  I won’t mention her feelings because those, he could care less about.  And as long as my kids want him to come in, I’ll deal with it I am proud of all that I have accomplished after what he put me through.  My home is the proof!  Please share your thoughts.

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Double Life, Happy Life.

After all the years of frustration and tears, I discovered what my mother really is.  My mother is a narcissist.  What?  Yes, and that’s why I married a guess what?  Yes, I married a narcissist.  I didn’t know it either, until yesterday as they say.  He’s a love avoidant, narc.  But, the mother narc had already done the damage and set me up to fail.  I’m surprised I lasted 15 years.  How sad, what a shame.

Therefore, shame on me if I don’t use my “new found” information to get the hell out of dodge, taking my children with me.  God does work in mysterious ways.  I have a chance at a new life; fresh start with limited contact from the NARC CLUB.  “Thank you God for saving us!”  My task is not easy with limited resources and more than one young child to raise.  As they say, “I’m not old but I’m not young.”  So what do I do to cope, to survive?  I’m going to explain it the best way I know how.  I lead a double life……

I have the life that includes my children, their school, the house, mom stuff & family.  Then, I have my other life.  I have new friends that are single.  I also have a steady man in my life that I see a few times a month.  He has no children.  One life is completely separate from the other, different county’s in fact.  My divorce is too new, although my ex moved in with the other woman right away.  But, that’s because he’s a selfish narc.  I have a schedule and a reliable babysitter and with that peace of mind, I can release my stress and be somewhat free for a while.  Then, I come back refreshed and ready to deal with all my responsibilities.  I’m sure that in due time, my worlds will come together but it’s almost been a year  that I’ve been doing it this way and it works for me.  I strongly recommend it, as a matter of fact.  Only my nearest and dearest know about my other life and sometimes I bring them with me.  Although they have been very supportive, they are all married.  That’s another reason why I had to go elsewhere and make new friends.  I must say that I have been blessed.  I have met wonderful people and found a little bit of love along the way.

It took what I thought I didn’t have to do this.  It didn’t happen over night either.  But I was determined to change, to grow, to expand my horizons and find something for me.  I knew that I would not survive locally, too many memories.  Plus, it’s my hometown.  I had lived in a bubble as a stay-at-home mom for 13 years of the 15, all my friends are married, I just didn’t fit in anymore.  I had to walk a path alone and somehow get through this nightmare of betrayal.  In conclusion, my system for coping has been successful, I feel, because I went forth with determination and healthy intent.  I hope this helps someone, best of luck!

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