HIT THE BRAKES BITCHES

I will speak about myself and a close circle of women friends…. Why do we feel its a great idea to open our mouths and speak about every.single,thing. that we think about and/or have gone through? Our families, our exes, our kids, if we lost weight or gained weight, what is up with Chatty Kathy?  When will we exercise discernment? Do we need a pill to calm the F down?  Im thinking, we get excited, new guy/cute guy and he “seems” great so lets ramble on, opening the door wide open to our past and dreams and wishes and the new Keurig ….. Guys dont work like that.  They will freak out, think we are thirsty as hell or worse, use the information to manipulate us.  And there comes the predator, that guy thats a GREAT listener & too sexy for words.  In reality, he’s taking notes.  AHA….  we have a few drinks, loosen up and the loose lips start to flap….Ayyyyyy what’s the problem, when will we learn.  Balance ladies, a little at a time.  Balance the conversation, the attention we give, the open confessions about our past sex life (good or bad experiences).  Control the I love you’s….make sure he loves you too or at least cares about you.  Having great sex is not love or caring or anything of the sort.  It is what it is…..  And thats ok.  We should learn to “enjoy the moment”.  Leave it alone, for a minute.

Lets hit the brakes on the OPEN BOOK…. we aren’t trying to find a bestie.  Men are not women.  Lets put things into perspective.  Lets be a bit more practical and not so emotional.  The enthusiasm I express to a man is scary, some of them cant take all that energy.  They probably dont even listen after the first few minutes, they just pretend.  Everyone knows guys aren’t good listeners by nature.  When they like a women, they will put forth more effort.  Thats only to reel us in, it’s how most of them function.  I need to hit the brakes on the sharing for sure, end of story.

Some men do want to hear us speak and want to know our deepest desires and whether or not we washed the dog or if we are worried Netflix isn’t working.  I think those are men that are on our same wave length, they are men who are into us, sincerely. Men we’ve known for more than a month, give or take…. Im not an expert, by far. I just know what Ive learned the hard way.  Expectations is the #1 killer in relationships and what I call BUILDING is another.  Thats when we immediately start fantasizing and planning for the next date and what will happen and then its the next level in the relationship. How will that go and what should I say?  Mind you, its only been 2 dates and great sex.  There are no bricks to build with but we create imaginary bricks and then the BUILDING begins.  Let downs and failed expectations may follow and then we are feeling stupid again, like we suck. Why me?  We didn’t learn the lesson and/or didn’t implement what we learned.  It all went out the window with his smile, beard and motorcycle….

 

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Do we have to follow him down his shitty road, in order to learn?

This man, in my case, has no planned out future…..He may think, he wants one (deep deep down), he may daydream of one (with me or some other woman), he may even save his money for a rainy day…(until something shiny and new comes along)  That something may come in the form of a man-toy, an ex thats “needs” him, an ex that he’s been pining for or just because he lives in the moment.  Does this type of person sound familiar?  This type of man, was/is/was,  “my”man”  for way too long.  

He has no ability to connect to his conscience, therefore, no responsibility taken.  He is a petty man, almost ridiculous to the point that his argument, his part of the story seems delusional.  Thats because, it is… He is delusional, he must be, in order to sleep at night after all the hurt he causes. The heart he breaks is nothing more than a casualty of war, a sacrifice.  I am absent unless he remembers me and then, according to him, “I remember how much I miss you.”

” Fuck you!!!!”, is my answer. But, If i would  answer that, he will become insulted, lash back with all PETTY-Shitty guns blazing.  What a joke.  What a joke I am as well. I allowed this man to control, to abuse me.  Its on me.  I am the ignorant, self loathing, piece of sad humanity.  Thats why he and I stayed together for 5 years.  He abuses and I accept it. A match made in co-dependent heaven.

Until I woke up.  I prayed, I cried in the shower, begging God to free me, to make him disappear. I cried until my eyes wanted to pop out through my lids. “Please God, I am open to love.  I only want real love.  Send X away, make him disappear if he is not good for me”

No, he’s not good for me and of ocurse he won’t disappear.  It’s up to me, to grow some balls and let him do his thing, or try, while I don’t let it phase me.  Thats the answer…for me!  Let him do him.   I will grow as I do ME.  I will level up, become stronger and control my damn emotions….  Enough with the waterworks, especially with the melodrama infront of X…its not good for anyone.  It makes NOTHING better. It only drags things out and keeps me at a low vibration and proves to him that I am that unworthy, self-loathing thing that deserves the abuse.  It’s a lack of control.  He has mastered his emotions.  Stoic is his middle name.  I would name it deep insecurity and fear but thats just my opinion.

The minute, the second, my vibration changes, he will notice.  Once my energy shifts from him, towards myself, even  the slightest bit, he will change his course of action, his method to keep me entangled will go into his gear.   If you don’t believe me, try it.  Its as simple as mirroring him.  He will catch on instantaneously, he will asesss properly, then switch his action.  Watch for it, map it….its very predictable.  Narcissism style.

This is a long journey.  A path to hell or heaven.  We choose.

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Feeling Power-less

patterns are difficult to break

patterns can be an like an addiction

put those two together and add some insecurity issues, abandonment and codependency and you’ve got the perfect recipe for disastrous regret. Luckily, I believe, there is a God.

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Longing at its finest

sitting on a bench watching lovers go by, parents with their children, remembering what I had and who i was.. Most importantly, trying to pinpoint who I am now. I’m not old but I’m not young, I’ve got miles of pain behind me and  tons of hurt on my shoulders. I try to compartmentalize my life, juggling family life and my personal relationship. It’s difficult to travel inbetween without both worlds colliding occasionally. That is when you’re nerves crash and the anxiety rocks your fake stability. It’s inevitable because fate has its own plan, you can try to navigate it but you’re not the real driver. We are not supposed to pretend we shouldn’t split our personality, but yet divorce, narcissistic abuse and love addiction forces us into this trap. It’s a cage be build that contains all  that scares us all that we run from that we don’t want to see.

 

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REGRET a short, short fictional story

It hurts too much. Still. Only the thought that he lives alone, brings me a sense of calm. I envision him walking through the beautiful forest, our forest, where he and I were supposed to grow old together. It was going to be our heaven, the Ocala National Forest. He’s wearing his bandana, long ponytail going all the way down his back. It’s completely gray now, his beard is white.  It’s a cool morning so he’s wearing his camo jacket. He had finally bought the piece of land a few years ago. That had been his dream for years; our dream at one point in time. I hope I had something to do with making it come true for him. My God I love this man. I love him still. I need to put him there, in the deep woods for my mind’s sanity. He lives alone, no companion. No woman because there could be no-one else; not after losing me. Right? After all I meant to him, no woman could replace me. Ever. Quite a few have tried, Im sure. But, I cannot allow myself to go there, I won’t. He only loves me as I only love him.

His days as Superintendent at the construction site are long over; his knees being the cause of that. And his life as a welder is done as well. Forced into early retirement, he went back to Ocala, took refuge in the woods where he grew up. The place where he was the happiest and where he wasn’t. He spends his days mostly as a camper. His skills are impeccable so living out there is not much of a challenge. He wakes up too early so I know he immediately goes out walking, finds wood to cut and collect, keeping busy so the morning will hurry on.  Later, he might adjust the solar panels so that they receive the maximum light, prepares his food for dinner and after his afternoon nap, fires up his red portable bbq. He and I always loved cooking on the tripod over a fire but the bbq is just more convenient these days.

After his supper, he sits outside the camper, near a beautiful fire he built and smokes a cigarette. He thinks about how much he has always loved it out there and thinks about his life in Ocala and the forest, then, thinks about me. He thinks about the camping trips we took together and feels gratification at how he introduced me to the camping world; taught me to love it. I do love it. The set up ,the smells, the dangerous dark woods. He’s pretty sure I take my children camping and most probably tell them it was he who taught me all I know. That thought, gives him, a sense of calm. He had been that man in my life, if none other. He had given me that.

The grin on his face grows as he thinks about our crazy adventures, how we were silly and laughed and got drunk; played Johnny Cash on the radio. I made him laugh alot. He thinks about that, about my jokes and the things I came up with. He thought I was adorable. He knew I loved him. He also knew we were on very short, borrowed time from day one. I could fly away and disappear at any moment. His ten years over me were against us. And that’s why he never gave me what I wanted, not completely. The price was too high, he wouldn’t survive, barely did. Therefore, he was grateful for his land, hidden far away from humanity. Although, I was in every corner, especially this night.  He could not escape no matter how deep into that forest he went. Our time together was the cause of that.

Long ago, he had realized, I was the great love of his life. I was the woman he loved the most. The other one he had secretly pinned for was nothing in comparison. You see, I loved him selflessly. I filled his empty heart and spirit. I made him happy. I made him feel worthy again. I was too good to be true. Broken people feel they don’t deserve good things, it’s just part of it. He sabotaged it every chance he got. I pulled and he pushed. But he was always there, watching, waiting listening in case I came calling. I am inside him forever just as he is with me every day of my life too.

The night is dark all around him now, the stars are sparkling all over the sky and the big round moon is casting her light down on him. He looks up at its fullness and smiles wide. I have a thing for full moons and its energy and other witchy stuff he doesn’t quite get. Its all funny to him. I could be a little girl at times; he likes that part of me. It’s innocent; sweet. I am also a wild one. Man, he wanted to pull his hair out sometimes. But, nevertheless, I was his girl. I was his baby carrot. “Baby carrot”, he says out loud.

He envisions my face smiling at him, it’s branded in his mind. My eyes are bright, they look at him with tenderness. He does a mental count; it’s been four, not four but five years since he has either spoken to me or seen me. He thinks of my little Antonia and how grown up she must be. What if? He wont think about that. She probably wont remember him, he’s sure of it and that makes him feel sad. He immediately says to himself, “better that way”. Staring into the fire, he wonders if I am with another man; his fingers tighten around the blue velvety blanket that lays on his lap.  It was a gift from me many years ago. “Your’e better off, you deserve to be happy.” He remembers his last words to me and fights back tears. They escape anyway and he wipes them away, angrily.

He is planning on going to bed any minute now. Enough with these thoughts. He then shuts his eyes tight and leans his head back. Trying to erase his thoughts, my voice is in his ear, “Dream with us tonight my love. Dream we our out on the boat, in the sun, somewhere, just you and me.” He hears me clearly. He wishes the voice was real. He wants to turn around and find me standing there. I want to be there too, I want to run to him and never be away from him again. I am safe when I am with him, he is my life. He suddenly feels a pain in his chest and his eyes well up again. He misses me bad. I am his heart. I am the woman he cant forget, cannot get over. I am the one. He assures himself  I am somewhere thinking of him as well. Feeling the loss; still.  I have never stopped loving him. He knows he will die missing me. Regret will be the cause of that.

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Fun Fact about Love Avoidants

As with this and any of my blogs, please share your thoughts.  Maybe it’s because I’m a woman, maybe it’s because I love to analyze human behavior but I noticed that whenever I ask my Love Avoidant boyfriend something like, “Oh God, I think he’s going to get killed soon,” or “Why is she going down that hallway?” I ask as I snuggly cuddle my POA while watching a movie that he chose. It’s usually a movie filled with action, little drama!!!His answer is almost always the same, “Honey I don’t know, lets just watch the movie.”  He says this in a very sweet tone so it’s not about how he says it.  It’s the fact that he doesn’t want to anticipate what will happen in the future in a movie, not only in real life with me, it seems.  “Phew…..” I find this both interesting and hilarious.  Test this out yourself on your Love Avoidant and let me know.

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LOVE ADDICT when you know, you know

My POA of choice doesn’t realize that I am too smart.  I don’t know how this is an advantage because as they say, “The truth hurts.”  When you know, you know and it kills.  Although he loves his space and after a year, he still pushes me softly away, he is very keen to dates and times.  Let me explain, rather than I be the one that has our dates and times together all mapped and planned, it’s him.  Of course, for his OWN reasons, I’m sure.  I may sound a bit sarcastic but it’s one of those days…… I apologize.  SO, it’s rare that he not know what the “plan” is for the following week.  What a memory on this guy!  He’s part elephant, I tell you.  If I’m a little bit late, he calls me on it. He doesn’t really like changes in the plans….Is he dying to see me?  Sometimes I think so but other times I think he’s planning something else.  Anyway, it’s bad enough when he pushes by blowing cool air in my face and withholds seductively.  It’s worse when he pretends to NOT know that our weekend together will not happen because I have another engagement.  He will text something like, “I miss you too honey.  We will be together this weekend, it’s our weekend.”  Mind you, we haven’t seen each other in a while due to his job, longer than usual and I’m already sensing a Continental Drift.  My answer is, “Yes it is honey.”  I really want to scream and say, “Really? How naïve do you think I am?”  But I don’t because what if?  What if he did suddenly forget?  Ah, that’s the mystery behind the Love Avoidant.  They confuse you from the beginning so you will remain that way until you die.  Just the same, it hurts me that he’s playing me like that.  Another thing, I have made an effort to stay away.  We had a bad one before this space (time without seeing each other/shift in his mood) and I just don’t want to go there again.  He’s tired of the emotional ups and downs and I’m tired of feeling rejected.  He says that he’s not capable of giving me all that I “need”, I told him it seems more like LACK of EFFORT; he agreed.  So, it was left at an unclear TAKE IT or LEAVE IT.  I don’t know how much longer this will last, I don’t know what will happen so I’m trying to gather strength and stay away until he rubber bands and then try to keep it that way.  It’s a game with them but I think it’s not so bad if you see that they really love you.  Actions speak louder than words. So he can be texting me love poems but if he doesn’t make an effort to see me, a real effort, not the “YAY, it’s our weekend” fake effort, then he is still pushing me away.  I will hang tough and stick with my plan to detox from this man.  Take a few steps back and refresh.  Please share anything that comes to mind or any advice.  Thank you.

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